Now this particular idea came to me one day while I was at work. It was slow, kind of quiet, and for some reason George Carlin kept running through my mind. I kept hearing in the recess beyond the rusty hamster wheel that is my brain, the comedic legend going on with:
"Somewhere out there is the worst doctor. Has to be. Process of elimination. And the worst part is...is that someone has an appointment to see him tomorrow!"
That notion alone got me to thinking: there has got to be the worst burrito in Tucson. Has to be. Process of elimination.
And the worst part is...someone is buying one right now!
Why the worst burrito? I don't know. Because it takes a lot to really mess up a burrito. Plus I like burritos so...I got that going for me.
Immediately I logged onto YELP and started snooping around. All I did was type in "worst burrito", made sure I was in the Tucson, AZ field and hit send. It did not take long to garner a decent list but one particular establishment kept coming up.
With a consistent rating of one stars, this place had Yelpers saying:
"I threw away my burrito after the first bite afraid for my health. This place needs to seriously consider their food. GROSS."
"Too bad I can't do 'NO stars! No stars.....service was clueless, burrito was awful."
"The food quality was subpar. One of my containers had a live ant. Surprise health inspection recommended."
"Seems they are using left over scraps to fill burritos, avoid this place and save your $."
"It's open on Christmas. This must have been some sort of revenge for not visiting family."
And this goes on and on. So then I got to wondering: Maybe I should go to this place, order one or some of these burritos, eat them and then chronicle my journey with what most folks online are chatting up as "the worst burrito in Tucson".
After double checking with some other review sites, I was convinced. This one location did, indeed, as proclaimed by the general burrito eating public of Tucson, AZ, apparently harbor the worst rated burrito in town.
As a food writer, sometimes risk taker and all around complete idiot, I put it upon myself to seek out the foulest of the foul and let you know how it really went down.
Here's the thing, we (well....me) at the Tucson Homeskillet like to have fun and doing a piece such as this is, in my eyes, goofy fun. But seeing as I am still in the early stages of getting my website and point of view out there, and also being a fairly nice guy, I will not give out the real name of the "restaurant". I mean, people do work there, I don't want to come across as too much of a butthead and in the end it just seems like a low blow to just make fun of a place while pointing a finger, giggling. It's not our/my style. I hope you understand.
So, after saying that, if you really want to know the name of the restaurant, literally just Google "worst burrito in Tucson", or visit Yelp or Zomato and see for yourself.
Okay. It was a bright, sunny, rather breezy and warm day in Tucson, when I got in the car and drove a good path out of the way to obtain this hated tortilla roll of meat slop and regret. Like a few miles. Man, this burrito better suck major ass or I'm going to get peeved. Finally, I arrived at my destitute destination, the corner of River and La Cholla (another clue) parked the rig and got out.
|You have arrived at your burrito. And may the Mexican food gods have mercy on your stomach...|
|Seems cozy. And....appropriate.|
At 1pm on a Wednesday, what is typically the lunch rush, this is what I was hit with:
|(insert wind noise and tumbleweeds)|
Since I was here, I had made the effort, the drive and had a few bucks in my pocket, I decided to be more impartial and order two burritos. Hey man, maybe the guys on the internet have just been eating one particular burrito, the one that sucks donky shafts, with the rest being of edible estate.
I ordered the "California burrito", which promises carne asada, potatoes and pico de gallo. Sounded okay, and seeing that I hail from the golden state I was curious as to why there was no avocado or guacamole on it. Potatoes? Shouldn't that be the Idaho burrito? Whatever. I also ordered the chicken burrito because, for reals, if you screw up a chicken burrito in Tucson there is little to no reason why your eating establishment should even be standing.
After a few minutes, my order was ready and I headed out to sample the wares.
My first impression before eating the food? The service was actually pretty decent. The girl at the counter was friendly and the food arrived rather swiftly. Plus it didn't smell too horrible as I made the lengthy drive home. In fact, I was starting to get really hungry.
|Lil Poundcake is already unimpressed...|
|So far, so....good?|
|So when did California become associated with potatoes?|
Then, the moment of truth: I took a bite and closed my eyes to see if the terror was as vibrant as I anticipated it would be.
And the answer is...not really. Yeah, it was a lot of potato with each bite ratio, nearly nil of carne asada and, as expected, there was no pico de gallo to be found, but it wasn't that bad. Was it because I had only had half a bagel for breakfast and that was, like, hours ago, that I was hungry enough to enjoy even the foulest of the foul? Or was this burrito actually, in a sense, edible? It was both I think. After another bite and my hunger subsided I began to really think deep about this supposed worst burrito in Tucson.
So I took the burrito into the one room where I knew I could dissertate with objectivity and equity.
|Sitting on the toilet. Sitting on the toilet. And...shoulda flushed it.|
I wanted HORRIBLE! I got...adequate. Oh well.
|"Yeah. No." - Lil Poundcake|
I just want burrito extremes here!
|God. If you're listenin'...HELP!|
|Gonna need all the help I can get...|
Alright. Upon first inspection it just looked like big hunks of chicken rolled up in a tortilla. Because, in fact....that's what it was! No if's, and's or but's. Chicken. Tortilla. Got it. Done.
The first bite of the chicken burrito made me oh so happy. Why you may ask?
Because it sucked! Oh man. This flavorless piece of turd poultry was so bland and dry that I had to result to alternative measures to make it somewhat palpable.
The chicken was so stale that maybe adding some water to it might bring it back to some form of moisture. But,alas, it just made the barren heap of protein damp. Crap!
|This might help...|
It was the chicken burrito! THE WORST BURRITO IN TUCSON!
|Damn you piece of crap chicken burrito. Damn you!|
The worst burrito vortex is nothing to be contended with...
|Still didn't help...|
We were wrong. We were oh....oh so wrong.
|I pity the burrito that sucks wet drippy camel balls...|
Slightly defeated, I left the chicken burrito out to pasture hoping the summertime wildlife would take it back to its den, nurse it to health and eventually call it one of their own.
All I got was a squirrel who gave me a small clawed thunderfinger after sniffing it a bit.
Really my furry woodland friend? I thought we were bros, bro. Not even in my desperate hour of need did those bushy tailed jackanapes come to my rescue. Fine then. Be that way. You're off my Xmas card list squirrel! See if I care!
|Even the squirrels took pity on me...|
Man. Unprecedented heaviness from my local usually merry mail carrier in the late afternoon.
|The postman always rings 'screw you!'|
|Burn! Burn foul demon of flavorless Hell!|
In my final moments parting with the burrito, I could faintly hear the ghostly call from beyond...
"I will return... I will return..."
And, it did. About an hour later.
I was, at last, relieved of The Worst Burrito in Tucson.
Typing and Camera
Early July, 2015
Carcass "Symphonies of Sickness"