Saturday, June 30, 2012

A "healthy" meal takes a nap, in its stead, we created Turkey Death Burgers!

The last few months have been difficult for us. Oh, it's not as if we hate our jobs, are experiencing marital qualms or even broke a shoelace lately. No, it's nothing that dire. It's just that, well....gosh...I hate to say it, but; we've been getting 'healthy' these last few months.

Oh yes. The horror. The sheer and unadulterated terror of essential sobriety, planned meals, joining gyms, making these things called "fruit smoothies" and growing our own veggies and herbs. I mean, I'm sweating just thinking about it all. For real, I wake up before the alarm goes off, feeling so dreadfully 'chipper', go to work feeling 'refreshed' and enjoy my day without bloaty beer farts and that tingly sensation of late night super burritos from the local drive-thru mistake hut grumbling in your stomach like belligerent puke mice. The mere audacity of getting older and trying to stay regular while keeping the heart palpitations to a minimum is a daily torture. Trust me here.

Although, honestly, it's actually not that bad.

But, you get my drift, right? Switching from "Let's eat whatever and whenever we want" is a shock to the flabby system. It's alright though. This is 2012. It's easy (well, easier) to find healthy and organic options to keep on truckin' into a long and happy life.

Here's the thing: New habits can die a sickening and retched disease. Once in a while, even a month or two down the road paved with flaxseeds and acai berries, you come across a diversion that sets your brain skidding into the grease trap median and sends you careering into a wreck of fried gooey bits and Twinkies topped with bacon. It happens. It's gonna happen and it will always happen. Just acknowledge this fact, you of the Insanity Workout cloth and brethren of colon cleansing diets, and when you wake up the next day all you have to do is look in the mirror, weep, brush your teeth with shame-away paste and go back to being the good little sprout soldier that you know and love.

For us, we were watching a marathon of "RuPaul's Drag U", drinking vodka cocktails and enjoying a hot and sticky night here in Tucson. We had lean ground turkey waiting and seasoned, which was going to be the centerpiece for our slimmed down version of Dan Dan Noodles, including cucumbers, organic rice noodles, spices, scallions, all that good stuff. I'd say we hit the "Fxxk this Dan Dan Noodles s--t, we're making burgers!" about 9pm.

Luckily for us we keep a stocked fridge, freezer and pantry. It's what you do when you like to cook and are all into this "Healthy Planned Meals" guide to interrupt your usual mad scientist kitchen creations that happen in a spur of inspiration. Here though, we balled the turkey meat into four flat patties, set them aside and got the grill pan hot. We cooked off about 5 to 6 pieces of thick cut bacon. Then, in the grease, we caramelized about half a red onion, using Kosher salt and sugar. Then the tater tots (that's right bitches!) went in for about fifteen minutes. I mean, hey, if you're going to go, go big.

After all was said and done, toppings laid out and chopped, our kitchen a mess of ingredients and condiments, the tots and burgs were done and now I am here to share with you the exploits of a "was planned out as a healthy meal" Friday night turning into a dripping excursion into booze and drag queen infused indulgence.

Here's the outcome:

She-Ra's Burger

 Two turkey patties (about 1/4 pound each), two pieces of bacon, pickled jalapenos, caramelized onions, Romaine lettuce, Swiss cheese and tangy BBQ sauce.

Metal Mark's Burger

  Two 1/4 pound turkey patties, three slices of bacon, half sour pickles, Roma tomatoes, caramelized onions, shredded cheddar cheese, spicy mayo and an over easy egg

All I have to say dear readers is that the next day shame (i.e. right about now) was soooooo worth it.  It's nice to stay fit, eat right and all that nonsense but, now and then, you have to let the evil demon monkeys of indulgence out occasionally in order to make the healthy stuff go down a little easier. Not that all of it's bad, oh no, most of it is quite tasty it's just just can't compete with a last minute decision to be naughty once again, especially when cocktails and televised drag is in order. Now it's back to doing good with the dark promise of being bad awaiting down that savory and oh so necessary tunnel of uber squish grub and creffins. 

And remember, if you can't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love any one else?

Can I get an Amen!?

Enjoy. And don't fxxk it up...