There is just something about the holiday season that just makes folks say:
"What the heck? It's Christmas! Sure, one more round...on me."
This time of year usually brings out that secret drinker in folks that normally don't imbibe on a regular basis. Maybe that's why a lot of people don't enjoy the holidays; they're too hungover to fully grasp how awesome everything is. The lights, the food, the presents, the fam...
Okay, maybe that's it. Your extended family.
When you only get to see Uncle Carl and Aunt Vera once a year, that's when the wine glasses get filled to the brim and you just plop in an extra hit of hooch into the eggnog. It's not like they're not nice people, it's just, well...Carl always has a rather, slightly, oh...shall we say, extreme view about the current political situation and Vera just has that rash. But they're family (sigh) so you gotta love 'em, right? Sure you do!
Knowing that people who read the Tucson Homeskillet fully realize that we like to imbibe on a, oh, fairly regular basis. The holidays just bring out a certain panache for cocktails and shots that we normally would pass on. Milk and eggs in my drink? Please. What are we making pancakes here? But when December hits you better believe we are noggin' it up.
|Warming up, getting ready to throw down some cold drinks|
With the help of Erik (Chili) Hulten, owner of our favorite neighborhood pub, Danny's Baboquivari, we compiled seven holiday concoctions that you seriously are gonna need this time of year...especially if your brother and sister-in-law bring those kids of theirs. Yeah, the ones that like to do ballet moves and make you watch over and over again and you have to go "Oh, you're so good!" even though they suck but their overly praising parents wont tell them any different so you're stuck there trying to look around them to catch a glimpse of the game but then they catch you not watching them suck at ballet and immediately go into a tantrum.
Well, dear readers, the Tucson Homeskillet is here to help. These drink recipes will be a sure fire hit to any family gathering, work related party, neighborhood get together or parole hearing this holiday season.
Are you ready?
|Chili: The Man, the Myth, the, uh...Myth Man!|
1) The "Blitzen"
We're gonna start you off right here with a slightly challenging shot. This one will get you where you need to be when grandma starts talking about her girdles again. It's layered, kinda tricky, but it looks good and feels even better going down. A tad sweet but, hey, it's the holidays!
You don't have to but using the back of a spoon to get the liquid in correct might be a good idea. Unless you're a pro like Chili here. My man just went for it.
(all ingredients are equal amounts, just use your eye and judgement)
First/Red Layer: Grenadine
Second/Green Layer: Creme de Menthe
Third/White Layer: Vanilla Vodka
Top with Whipped Cream
It's good right? Like I said, a bit sweet but if you just hork it down in one gulp you wont even notice. Now grandma is endorsing an adult diaper brand. C'mon man...
2) Brandy Alexander
Now, me personally, I'm not a fan of brandy. Again, it's that sweet factor. But when you put it in an old school classic like the Brandy Alexander here...forget about it. I'm in. This is the perfect cocktail to pair with that hipster cousin of yours, the one that only collects vinyl records, boasts about not owning a TV and just made assistant to the assistant manager at Blimpie's. It's sharp, creamy and very yummy next to an open fire on a chilly winter night.
1 oz Cream or Milk
1 oz Brandy or Cognac (I actually prefer the cognac)
1 oz Creme de Cacao
Shake well, strain and serve in a martini glass and garnish with nutmeg
Wow. That hit the spot. Now that cousin is spinning about some new band you have never heard of and they look at you as if you are the lamest person ever because you've never heard of them. You know, John Lennon loved Brandy Alexanders. John who?
Whatever kid. Nice beard and hair bun you got going on there.
3) Irish Coffee
It's cold out. You wanna stay buzzed but need a pick me up. Mom's ham is taking forever because she forgot to turn the oven on (like always) and the Ballard's in from Indiana haven't arrived yet. It's gonna be a long night. The Ballard's always have some small yappy lap dog that pisses on your knee when it gets too excited. You need some comfort in your belly. The time honored Irish Coffee is exactly what Dr. Metal Mark ordered. Here's how we like to do it:
1 - 3 oz Jameson whiskey (depending on the size of the mug)
Good medium roast coffee, fresh brewed
Splash of Milk, hint of Sugar
Whipped Cream spiraled and piled high on top
Put them all together and what have you got? Salvation. The Ballard's have finally arrived and, oh...there it is, their lil dog named Choo-Choo. Isn't it sweet? Oh look, Choo-Choo just made a train for your ankle and is humping the crap out of it. Best to just ride it out. Drink your Irish Coffee, listen to Tony Bennett sing "The Christmas Song" and secretly ask Santa for a small catapult, one just big enough for a horny lap dog to be put into orbit.
4) Egg Nogg (yes with two G's then put umlauts over them to make it more Metal)
It isn't Christmas if there isn't some eggnog around, am I right? Sure, at the office holiday party they just serve it up all milky, eggy and straight. Not at your place though. Oh no no no. At your place you like to light the nog on fire, literally, with some form of brown booze. When your neighbor brings over some weird olive loaf for the potluck, you're gonna need to suck one of these down before giving that misshapen log a go. Here's a step by step method on making the cold nights cheery and bright.
4 Egg Yolks/4 Egg Whites
1/3 cup + 1 tbs Sugar
Pint of Real Whole Milk
I cup Heavy Cream
Beat egg yolks until they lighten in color. Slowly add sugar till dissolved. Add the milk, cream and nutmeg. Beat egg whites (in a separate bowl) until soft. Beat in 1tbs sugar. Whisk egg whites with mixture. Chill.
Now here's the best part:
Add 1-3 oz Spiced Rum, Bourbon or Whiskey
Oh man that's good. The Egg Nogg you just made I mean. Oh, that olive loaf thing? Hideous. What is that? Some kind of cheese, or...? Doesn't matter. Just put that jagged piece of shame at the end of the table (precariously near the trash bin) and all will be merry.
|And the stockings were hung with care, under a big TV and next to the toilets|
5) Chili's Special Mulled Wine
You know that one person in your life that only drinks wine, and, like, only on special occasions. But when they do, hoo doggies!, the entertainment begins. The introvert becomes the center of attention, the quiet become the noise makers and the usually sober become a mockery of that notion. Chili here has concocted a special blend of the classic Mulled Wine for your holiday merrymaking. You think Agnes from accounting gets a little "feisty" when she's had some Chablis? After a rock n roll of this stuff, the socks come off and she's moonwalking into your crotch region. Let's go:
Nice (or cheap as hell) Red Wine or Port
Splash of Jack Daniels Honey Whiskey
Splash of Jack Daniels Fire Whiskey
Heat this stuff for a minute in the microwave, serve hot
See, you don't need to add all those mulling spices and whatnot...the flavored booze does all that work for you. No joke, this is powerful stuff and really really delicious. So much in fact that Agnes just downed another glass of it. Oh no, here she comes again. Now she's singing Adele while pointing in your general direction wearing reindeer antlers with little bells at the end. Time to flee.
6) Holiday Punch (In The Face)
Sometimes in the midst of the holidays you just miss the drinks of summertime's past. The days now are short, its dark around 5pm and when the alarm goes off in the morning it's still bleak and damp out. You don't really want to deviate from the traditional drinks of the season but, well, you do recall that electric fruit punch you enjoyed at that beach party in July and, oh man, would that go down easy right now. Chili has just the solution. His Holiday Punch is a throwback to warmer days and nights yet still holds true to holiday libations. You know those pictures of Santa Claus in a Hawaiian shirt cold lampin' on a beach in a fold out chair? It's sort of like that. You've seen those images because your balding chumguzzler of a cousin freakin' loves Jimmy Buffett. Ugh. And when he throws on "Christmas Island" into your well thought out Pandora holiday mix, all you can do is suck down like ten of these. For real.
Light Bodied Red Wine
Squeeze of Lime and Lemon
Mix this all together and serve on the rocks in a festive glass with an orange slice garnish
No need for absolute pours for this devise, you're a big kid now and you can control whatever levels of juice and booze you want. Have fun! And get that Jimmy Buffett crap out of the mix. We're trying to have a party here, not a regret filled white guy's mid life crisis intervention.
|Merry jingle...uh...ho ho...um...yeah, I'll have another|
7) Santa's Little Sperm Sample
It's getting late. Most of the food has been eaten. Grandpa is snoring in the easy chair. The kids are off playing video games. Your niece is showing you her new art project, one that involves tampons and shellac. The music is humming in the distance when you get a text from your buddy. "Doing last call at the bar...u down?", it reads. Yeah, you down. But knowing that your friends are probably much more blotto than you and you are not ready to leave the coziness and flavor of Christmas behind just yet, you're going to need a little incentive. This shot will get you there, quick, along with keeping with the spirit of things. The name of this shot is perfect because, well, if ol' K. Kringle does, you know, "donate" to the facilities here and there I bet it would taste something like this. It lingers in cinnamon, hovers in spice, has a distinct pumpkin kick and is, uh, creamy as well. And it's scrumptious. Just ask Ms. Claus.
It's easy, all you need is:
That's it. Combine the two ingredients in equal parts in a chilled shot glass and down the hatch! Now you are ready to go out with your dorky friends and make an evening's worth of bad decisions. But, hey!, it's the holidays so...why not?
Hope you enjoy these drinks just as much as we did. Remember: Be cool about how much you drink though. I mean, look at my face in the picture below. You don't wanna end up like that do ya? Of course not.
|Metal Mark has lost count as to how many Holiday Punches he has had...typical|
Camera and Typing
"Metal" Mark Whittaker
Second Week in December, 2015